going there i guess.
not paying 15 bucks, stupid price.
I am filled with so much doubt, but that's the thing that pushes you away. How does one just STOP complaining?
How do i stop letting things bother me? How do i accept the fact that people are stupid and they're everywhere so i just need to deal with them and not complain about them?
How am i supposed to get over what you did to me? How can i let something like that go?
How can i pretend that it just doesn't bother me when that's one of the things that i think about and am afraid of the most?
I'm not a strong person.
I'm a very weak dependent person.
All of my life my trust has been thrown around, it's not easy for me to keep dishing it out.
So you say you don't expect me to, then what do i do? I'm back in this un-trusting insecure loop of my emotions and it's wearing me away.
I will never stop hating her, don't ever fucking ask me to not hold some grudge. Because of her i'm an insecure monster who can't trust one of the only people i care about. The person i care about more than anything.
and great whatever, you say that i'm playing the victim. I don't give a shit. maybe i am the victim.
I take responsibility for feeling this way, i guess, but i'm not the one who can't just let someone i think i'm in love with go.
I don't think you really love her. You said yourself that people change, and i'm sure that she has.
She has all of the same faults that i have, why don't you see that?
And yet i'm the one that has to suffer?
Why would you just let me go if we were to be apart?
Why would you just throw us away like that?
Why wouldn't you treat me the same fucking way as her, the way i deserve to be treated if you really love me and care about me as you say you do.
Why would it just be the end of us when it's harder for me than it would be for you?
You're all i care about.
You're the one thing i don't want to lose or let go of in my life.
But I do love you.
I love you more than you know, apparently.
And if that meant letting you go so you could do the thing that you really want to do, be with her, then who the fuck am i to stand in your way?
I just want you to tell me what the fuck i should do.
Just because you don't think you're making me share your feelings doesn't mean you aren't.
Imagine if i was in love with someone else. Always wanting to talk to them. to see them. to tell them i love them. always loving them.
how do you think you would feel?
I know you're not a fucking robot, with what little feelings you have, so you say.
but i think you would be just as hurt, if you loved me as much as i loved you.
I'm not a great person. But i'm not exactly a bad person either.
There are so many worse things people do in relationships that i would never even think about.
And you have me in this loop. This hole.
Where it's ok if you do things because i won't leave you
but if i leave then i'll regret it and you won't give a shit.
what is that?
Is that love to you?
that just sounds controlling. Why don't you explain?
For that matter, where the fuck are you now?
why don't you just be honest and open with me.
what are you so fucking afraid of that you won't tell me?
I'm tired of feeling so left in the dark.
i'm tired of it. i'm tired of this.
i wish things were the way they were.
the way we were.
Like that little piano music box that's out on the night stand.